Just Over the Horizon
Breaking up can be one of the most painful experiences of a person’s life. It can also be one of the most miraculous for personal growth. I know the thought of personal development doesn’t ease your pain right now. I offer this idea to you as a hopeful, inspiring proposition. Whether you think your breakup will change you as a person is in some ways out of your control. The pain will change you. That’s guaranteed. You can use pain’s extraordinary energy to make major positive changes or waste it on unproductive or destructive activities.
We will explore personal growth later. Let’s talk about a topic that’s probably consuming a good portion of your thoughts: your future relationship prospects.
Relationship Future
With minimal effort on your part, your next relationship will likely be better than your last one. I know it isn’t easy to imagine that now. But it’s almost always true! We all learn from each relationship. We discover our likes and dislikes in a partner. We find out how to get our needs met. And with each new relationship, we get better at it.
A fortunate few get a head start on developing relationship skills by having parents who model a healthy, productive relationship. This doesn’t apply to most of us, and certainly does not apply to me. My mother and stepfather argued every day, and I mean every day!
Most of us gain relationship skills through trial and error. Some are motivated by our painful upbringing or failed relationships to learn about relationship skills through seminars, classes, and books. Some have deeper issues that require one-on-one support from a family member, friend, counselor, or clergy.
It’s imperative that we take a personal inventory to improve the likelihood of a better-quality partner and relationship in the future. This is important so we do not bring the same problems we’ve had into future relationships. We need to consider our role in each relationship’s failure. Was the unsatisfactory state of our lives a contributing factor?
We must ask ourselves, “Am I in good shape emotionally, physically, financially, and socially?” If not, we need to address any problem areas to have a successful relationship in the future. To get some insights and help in this area, read my article, Self-Evaluation & Preparation for Relationship Success.
Whatever happens next, be it finding a new partner or returning to the old one, doing the work to improve yourself will improve your chances for success in either relationship.
How to Stop the Pain Instantly
I’ve discovered a fantastic secret about breaking up that can instantly stop the pain and bring about a confident anticipation of the future. I found that each new relationship was better than the last. Yet while I was in the early stages of a breakup, it was impossible for me to envision a life beyond my former girlfriend.
Many times later, when I was in a new and better relationship, I would look back at a particular breakup and wonder what I ever saw in that person and how their loss could have brought about such pain. But then, the next time I broke up with someone, I would go through the same pain and not be able to see beyond my former partner.
It took several painful breakups before I was convinced that a better relationship was ahead. There was still the early period of sadness, but I recovered faster. I also began using the pain to make major positive changes in my life much sooner. I found that the pain would initially propel me into a period of frantic change (s), but later on, it would transform into positive energy.
If you have had some breakups, you may look back at them and find a similar pattern in your life. If you have little or no breakup experience, it really doesn’t matter. Either way, you can logically expect the same positive outcome I described for yourself and choose to believe it now!
It’s almost guaranteed that your future life and relationship will be better than you had before. When a forest burns to the ground, the destruction from the fire renews the soil, making it more capable of growing better, stronger trees and vegetation than it could before. The same happens when we go through the emotional wildfire of breaking up. It reduces us to what feels like nothing. The fire rages on for what seems like an eternity, but we eventually emerge stronger and more capable than ever!
I’ve been both blessed and cursed regarding relationships with women. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to date many women, but I have also had many painful breakups. I am not telling you about dating many women to brag, but to offer it, if you will, as credentials for my experience in this area. I also tell you this so that you know that the person behind these words understands what you are going through.
Depending on many factors, each person’s response to breaking up ranges from mild to severe pain. My experiences with breaking up have usually been excruciatingly painful. This, too, is both a blessing and a curse. It has been a blessing, inspiring me to seek solutions and to help others through my books and articles. The curse is, of course, the pain. But I eventually discovered how to channel the pain toward making positive changes in my life. I will tell you about the changes I made later.
Millions Like You
The most difficult times after a breakup are early morning, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. When those dark moments of sadness occur, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only person in the world. When you feel this way, it may be comforting for you to think about the millions of people around the world who also just broke up with someone and are feeling the same way as you are.
This classic song about the fact that everybody hurts may help.
Loneliness and the need for companionship can be potent after breaking up. And no other person can satisfy these needs better now than your former partner. But getting together with them would only be a temporary fix. The next day, the same old problems would become clear after the fix wears off. Sometimes, it’s glaringly apparent if you’ve been apart for a while. Rushing out and finding another partner will not satisfy your needs either.
You need time away from any relationship to release the old one, heal, and renew yourself. Getting right into a new relationship is a mistake! You will only carry all the negative baggage from your old relationship into the new one. Rebound relationships are rarely successful.
Your best plan is not to date or enter new relationships until you are healed, renewed, and strong! How long will this take? It depends on how long you were together before breaking up. Typically, it takes three (3) to nine (9) months. For some, it’s less; for others, it’s more, which is okay.
If you need to cry the poisonous pain out of your system before you can begin to heal and move on, this beautiful song about saying goodbye might help. Although most of it is in Italian, it’s easy to imagine the words, or you can fill in your own to fit your situation.
Maintaining an accurate perspective is crucial. It’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves and think negatively about the future, but there are alternatives.
Embrace the Pain for Positive Change
There are tremendous benefits that can come from the emotional upheaval of breaking up with someone you love. You can embrace the pain and use its energy to make significant positive changes in your life. You can start by using it to gain access to the deepest parts of your soul. The goal of this journey is to learn about your dreams, your strengths, your weaknesses, and your dark side. With this knowledge, you’ll be equipped to take the necessary actions to become the person you know that you can be, make adjustments, and discover your life’s purpose.
Many famous writers, painters, and musicians have embraced the pain of breaking up to create some of the best work of their lives. Most of the members of the classic rock group Fleetwood Mac were in the middle of breaking up with their partners when they created their celebrated “Rumours” album. This album became one of the top-selling albums of all time. The same was true of the Swedish band ABBA. In their case, all four (4) band members were breaking up with their partners while they were creating a string of hits that made them one of the top-selling groups in the world! What makes these two stories amazing is that each band member was breaking up with a bandmate! These are just a couple of examples. There are thousands more. Perhaps you are recalling a few now.
The energy from the pain will be present no matter what you do. You can channel it toward negative or positive pursuits, such as self-awareness, personal growth, and creativity.
Some of the most profound changes in my life happened during a painful period following a breakup with a girlfriend. I used the pain to break through the blocks that had held me back in the past, sometimes for years. These blocks included fear of failure, indecisiveness, procrastination, and an unwillingness to face the challenge of stopping a bad habit and creating a good one. Some of the more significant accomplishments of my life that were at least initially fueled by the pain of breaking up include:
- Graduated from a boy’s home with honors.
- Went to college and graduated with honors.
- Joined an international corporation and rose from the bottom to the head of a marketing group responsible for 400 million dollars in annual sales.
- Quit smoking cigarettes.
- Started an exercise program that I continue to do today.
- Started a healthy eating and weight management program that I continue to do today.
- Started a unique singles organization that became highly successful.
- Wrote books on topics ranging from how to find a partner who’s right for you to non-confrontational couple’s communication.
After breaking up with someone you care about, there are only two choices: fruitful or fruitless pursuits. Here are various options for these two (2) outcomes for your consideration.
Fruitless Pursuits
- Contact your ex.
- Get back with your ex.
- Start dating right away.
- Start a new relationship right away.
- Make major decisions right away.
- Have indiscriminate sexual relations.
- Take drugs.
- Drink (alcohol) excessively.
- Smoke excessively.
- Overeat.
Fruitful Pursuits
- Get plenty of rest.
- Eat nutritious foods.
- Create a schedule and stick to it.
- Postpone all major decisions.
- Stop dating for 3-9 months.
- Delay pursuing a new relationship for 3-9 months.
- Solve personal problems.
- Learn about exercise.
- Start an exercise program.
- Join a health club.
- Build a home gym.
- Learn about nutrition.
- Start eating healthy foods.
- Start a weight loss program.
- Quit overeating.
- Quit smoking.
- Quit drinking/drugging.
- Get your teeth fixed.
- Learn about money management.
- Learn about investing.
- Create a personal budget.
- Eliminate your debt.
- Attend a seminar.
- Take a class.
- Go to or go back to college.
- Start building an income-generating website.
- Start building your own singles club.
- Join a tennis or racquetball club.
- Join a community service organization.
- Join a religious organization.
- Take a soulful vacation.
Set a course for profound personal growth, and your future life and your next relationship will be better than you could have ever imagined.
If you need further support and inspiration, I suggest you get this classic book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It has gotten me through many dark nights of the soul. Other books that may help you are on the recommended books list under the category “Breakup, Divorce, Loss of a Love.”