When quality, unrestricted, and thorough couple’s communication occurs, it can transform a relationship. Concerns become known, and answers are identified. Problems are discussed, and solutions are determined. Desires are expressed, and plans are created. Through quality communication, a relationship can improve significantly almost immediately. When a couple’s communication is poor, problems can snowball into the size of an avalanche. The method I present can melt the ice that is sinking your relationship.
This article is based on my book, “The Couple’s Review.”
Understanding the Process
Writing is the surest way to communicate productively, non-confrontationally, with your partner. Initially, this might sound strange or cumbersome, but you will see its value and potential as you read further.
The written word is the purest form of communication because you can select your words as carefully as you wish without being rushed or influenced by the recipient’s presence. When the recipient receives it, they are required to read and consider every word to understand it. This requires their full attention and patience. The result is a much purer transfer of thoughts with no opportunity to strike back immediately without thinking. This is the magic of this couple’s communication method.
Here is the process for this non-confrontational couple’s communication method. Start by writing down all your thoughts, concerns, and desires on paper. In other words, do an “appraisal” of your partner and relationship. Your partner should do the same. You must do this activity in separate rooms or locations. This step may take several hours or days. The next step is to exchange them, BUT read them in separate rooms or locations. The reasons for separation will become clear to you in the end. This next part is crucial. You must agree NOT to get back together to discuss them until anger dissipates and your minds have returned to a clear and relaxed state. This may take several hours, days, or even weeks. In addition, you must agree not to consume alcohol or drugs during any part of the couple’s communication process. Next, we’ll get into further detail on how to do your appraisal.
Appraising Your Partner & Relationship
To complete your couple’s communication appraisal, you must start by listing all the possible areas you want to consider. You might create this list with your partner, but do not have any discussions. Just make the list. Categories might include attitude, social, money, appearance, disagreements, sex, responsibilities, and dreams.
You might start the evaluation process by rating each category using words like excellent, good, or needs improvement. Add comments to clarify your rating, offer ways to improve, or convey compliments. Also, include your needs, desires, and dreams in the appraisal or on a separate paper.
Here are some thoughts to consider as you do the appraisal. The purpose of this couple’s communication process is twofold: To allow you to evaluate the health of your relationship and to provide your partner with feedback that they can use to improve themselves and your relationship. The goal is to do an appraisal that is honest, compassionate, and free of any self-serving behavior. This is the key to true couple’s communication.
Examining Each Other’s Appraisal
Here are some thoughts to consider before you go into your private session to examine the appraisal your partner completed on you.
First, consider this activity an extraordinary opportunity to gain self-awareness. This will require courage to face criticism and evaluate it objectively without becoming defensive.
Keep in mind that what is written about you is your partner’s true feelings. Therefore, they are not arguable. You may be able to challenge some of the facts, but you cannot challenge their feelings because they are their actual perceptions.
Your focus should be on understanding their evaluation of you and how they reached those conclusions. This will require you to put yourself in their place. Becoming defensive is not productive for your benefit or that of the relationship.
The appraisal’s information is key to unlocking the treasure chest of gifts your partner can give to the one they love. Do not underestimate its value!
Meeting for Enlightenment & Resolution
The last step in the couple’s communication process is to meet with your partner to discuss your appraisals. As mentioned, you must not have this meeting until both partners are calm and clear-headed. Again, no alcohol or drugs are allowed during any part of the couple’s communication process.
The most significant part of this process is your meeting with your partner. It could produce some of the most profound communication of your entire relationship. Or even, perhaps, any relationship you have ever had!
Your attitude in this meeting needs to be consistent with your expectations of what you want to get out of it. In other words, if you want your partner to be open to what you put in their appraisal, you must also be open. If you want them to change, you must also be willing. If you want them to be interested in your dreams, you must become interested in theirs. If you want them to be responsive to your needs, you must be ready to do the same.
As you discover solutions, create plans, and identify objectives, write them down as goals. Use the three (3) basic steps of goal setting: defining what you want to accomplish, committing to a date to have it done, and determining the steps needed to get there. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to make satisfying changes in yourself, your partner, and your relationship.
As a review, here are the three (3) steps of the couple’s communication process.
- Appraise your partner and relationship (privately).
- Examine each other’s appraisal (privately).
- Meet for enlightenment and resolution (together).
If you’re unsure whether your partner will participate in this couple’s communication process, doing it yourself will help you with whatever issue you face and may encourage them to join in later. If you wanted to inspire your partner further, you could give them the completed appraisal you did on them, along with your list of needs, desires, and dreams. This would surely spark their interest!
You can complete this couple’s communication process in many ways. One of the best is to get creative and turn it into a private retreat-like activity. You might even consider splitting the three (3) steps into separate weekends and/or evenings. You might also set up a reward to give yourselves at the end, like a special dinner or an overnight stay at a nice hotel.
If you want to make it a special event, conduct the activity during a vacation or weekend getaway at a resort! Even going to a hotel near your home would be good. Go through the process during the first 1-3 days and then enjoy yourselves the rest of the time. Getting out of your routine and environment might create the conditions you need for a breakthrough!
Book Streamlines & Perfects
This article is based on my book, “The Couple’s Review.” It includes a comprehensive, easy-to-use appraisal and other instruments to guide you.