If you have a parent who lives far from you and now needs or may soon need your assistance, this article is for you. It provides all the information you need to completely care for a parent remotely using online resources.
I started caring for my father, who lives in an adjoining state, 17 months ago. It is working out extremely well.
Considering these alternatives, taking care of a parent remotely using online resources makes a lot of sense.
- Move in with your parent.
- Move to a location near your parent.
- Move the parent in with you.
- Pay a company for in-home care of your parent.
- Pay for an assisted living facility to care for your parent.
The above alternatives were not possible at the time and frankly not desirable, so I sought an alternative that came to me rather quickly. First, some background.
Background
I’ve handled my personal and business activities online since the early 2000s. The first online resource I used was Net Bank, the original pioneer in offering online banking. Net Bank was eventually sold, and I continued working with the new bank. Now that all brick-and-mortar banks are online, I’m with one of them, US Bank, which I love!
I’ve been paying some, now all, of my bills online since the early 2000s as well. When I started, many people thought I was crazy because they thought it was too risky. That was true of all Internet money transactions back then, though. But the online thieves were not yet established, so it was pretty safe. Now it’s very safe.
When large stores like Walmart started selling online, I immediately opened an account. As my knowledge of their system grew, I bought more.
My father
My father is in his nineties, healthy, still lives independently, and drives, but only occasionally during the day for short distances. Because of his declining ability to drive, I decided it was best that he not drive to the store for food or supplies anymore. In addition, I noticed the handwriting on the envelopes he’d snail mail to me containing inspiring notes and later needed documents was growing less legible. This would be a major problem when paying bills by hand, the old-fashioned way he did. So, I decided it was also time to take over these responsibilities. I got labels made of our addresses (to/from) so he could reliably snail mail things to me.
I knew that it would be a lot of work to set up, but it was the right thing to do.
Approach
There are two important factors for making the setup process stress-free and successful: Zen patience and Zen attitude. Be patient in advance by expecting long telephone hold times, problems, and delays. A pleasant, respectful, patient, and uplifting attitude will preserve your health, make you feel good about yourself, and get ten times more from customer service representatives. It truly works like magic. I describe my amazing results in this article about getting good customer service.
Transition
The transition to fully caring for my father remotely online took several weeks to set up, but now, nearly everything works automatically with relatively little time and effort on my part. The most time-consuming part was setting up all the online accounts. It took so long because my father had no email address or cell phone number in the accounts. These are needed for verification and secure access.
I also set up everything myself without any assistance from any family members. I may write about that selfishness in another article.
If your parent does not have an email address like mine didn’t, to enhance creditability, you must create one and then set up forwarding to your personal email. For security purposes, do not use their full name or other sensitive information, but include their first name (only) for easy identification and differentiation. I recommend using Gmail as it has the best security and features, including forwarding, and it’s free!
Cell phone
Use your number so that when online accounts need verification or when important information is sent, you’ll get it immediately. Note: If your parent used their cell (or landline) phone number or email in their accounts, you’ll need the number(s) and address. In addition, you may need to coordinate new account verifications with them so they pass on the verification codes they receive to you. Then once you create, or gain access (to existing), online accounts you can put in your own cell phone number and their new email address.
Bills
Setting up autopay for all my father’s accounts was the project’s most time-consuming and difficult part. But once it was done, everything was automatic, and I had full control. Here are the reasons.
- As I mentioned before, my father’s accounts did not include an email address or cell phone number. So, in many cases, I had to call customer service to verify ownership and open an account.
- A couple of companies had more robust verification procedures.
- A couple of company websites were not user-friendly.
- Each company’s website was different.
Tip: Do not represent yourself as your parent “if asked by a representative,” especially with high-security accounts like banks, Social Security, Medicare, and insurance companies that likely have their birthdate and other identifying information. If they ask, you sense the need, or the situation calls for it, tell them who you are and why and what you’re doing. Some may ask you to do a three-way call with your parent for verification purposes, so be prepared for that possibility.
With most of the accounts, I could set up autopay using his credit card (the most desirable) or his bank checking account. The odd ones like monthly payments to his gardener and church (tithing) were set up in his online bank account using automatic paper check payment by snail mail.
Food and supplies
I set up food delivery with Walmart. In addition to food, you can include many other supplies and special needs items in the order. Then, all of it is delivered together. Walmart charges a small annual fee for this, but it is worth much more. You must also tip the delivery driver, which you can do with the order inside the account. We started out doing orders every two weeks. By purchasing a mini freezer, we can now do them once a month, which is much less work.
Though grocery orders from Walmart are usually very good, sometimes one or two things may be out of stock, or you might get a fresh fruit or vegetable item in poor condition — just as you might when shopping in person. So do not expect perfection every time. Returns, however, are easy. You can do them right in your online account via the order page and get a refund instantly in many cases.
If you have a problem or they want you to return the item to the store, which defeats the purpose of delivery, in my opinion, you can click Help under Customer Service at the bottom of the page and call or chat with an agent. Chat works best as it’s the easiest way to provide needed information like order numbers, item descriptions, prices, etc. Whether via chat or call, in my experience, they almost always issue a refund with no return required. And the agents work hard to make you happy.
The best days for full stock and superior service (less busy) are Thursday and Wednesday. The worst days are Monday, Saturday, and Sunday. The best delivery reservation time is the first (earliest) of the day to get the maximum cool temperature for food needing refrigeration and the best selection and service by fresh, unhurried workers.
Nutrition and exercise
Now that I’m buying my father’s food, I have transformed his diet to be 100 times healthier. That’s no exaggeration.
One of the many advantages of buying food online for delivery at Walmart is the easy access to the Nutrition Facts label, which is prominently shown on each product’s page. This is particularly helpful for eliminating high-sodium and high-bad-fat products. In addition, being a vegan, I’ve even been successful in getting him to like plant-based products that replace unhealthy animal-based products like chili, enchiladas, lasagna, and more.
I also got him to start taking a walk before breakfast every day. I had been trying to get him to do that for years! His doctor was doing the same. Now he loves it. It has improved his mood and mobility; his morning stiffness is gone. I repeatedly told him, “To have the best quality of life, exercise, diet, and attitude are the keys.”
To partner with him and be an example, I increased my exercise, refined my diet, lost a few pounds, and started reading more books than ever.
Special purchases
I handle special purchases like medical equipment, gardening supplies, and more through Walmart and Amazon. If I can’t find what I need at those stores, I buy it at Target, Costco, Best Buy, and others. After several purchases showed an ongoing need, I opened online accounts for these stores in my father’s name. Doing this keeps things separate and tidy.
High-security accounts
You may need or want to open several high-security accounts online. These include banks, credit cards, Medicare, and (especially) Social Security, which require more extensive verification.
During the online account opening process, you will likely be asked questions tied to the three main credit agencies: Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. So you need to be extremely careful, or you’ll get locked out. Unless you know your parent’s entire work, purchase, credit, address, and phone history, I strongly recommend that you go through the entire account opening process with your parent on the phone.
I thought I knew everything when I attempted to open an online Social Security account. I missed one small, obscure, unimportant credit incident and was locked out! I had to contact the local Social Security office near my father’s house by phone and go through a long explanation and verification procedure before they would unlock the account so that I could try to open an online account again.
Credit cards
You’ll, of course, need your parent’s credit card information for various purposes. For travel to your parent’s location and while visiting there, getting a copy of their main credit card in your name is important. I just did this and got it done via his online credit card account. The number on the card was different to keep the charges separate, but all the charges for my father and me go on the same bill. Be sure to get your parent’s permission before doing this.
Integrity
Maintaining honesty and resisting any temptations to buy yourself stuff, reimburse yourself a bit, or outright steal money is not a problem for most people. But for immature, bitter, misguided, or addicted individuals, it may be a problem. I strongly recommend this: Do not do it no matter what because you’ll live with it for the rest of your life, including when you are elderly and dependent on the assistance of another person.
Local emergency access
It is essential to entrust one local person, like a family member or close friend, with a key to your parent’s home should urgent entry be required. This person must be absolutely trustworthy and reliable, live within minutes of your parents’ residence, and be willing and able to act quickly on short notice.
I’ve only needed to ask this designated person once to check on my father after a minor surgery when he didn’t respond by phone as planned. It turned out that he had simply fallen asleep as soon as he got home after the ordeal, which is understandable since he had been given a sedative during the surgery.
Permissions
Some customer service departments, like those at medical insurers, credit card companies, and banks, require that they have your name on file. This requires you to either have your parent call them or do a three-way call. Your parent will be asked to provide the usual verification information.
Identity protection
Be sure to coach your parent on what kind of information can and cannot be provided to customer service representatives, medical and dental office staff, and on their new patient forms. For example, every new patient form I’ve seen asks for social security and driver’s license numbers. A doctor never needs these numbers. You don’t want that highly sensitive and identity-stealing information to fall into the hands of a rogue employee. I believe doctors ask for this and other information for their benefit to use if a bill doesn’t get paid.
The same goes for all the other information doctors and companies ask for on new customer forms. Only enter information that you want them to have and nothing more.
Organization
Investing the time to get organized is essential to make caring for a parent remotely much easier. It will also help keep you calm and sane.
Getting organized requires putting all your parent’s accounts, doctors, and medication information in one place. I did this using Microsoft Excel and Word. I have all 26 accounts in Excel and all his doctors, medications, and favorite foods in Word. I also printed and mailed him a simplified version in large, 28-point font. His having this information helps us both.
Boundaries
Over the years, I’ve often heard how advanced-age people in need of assistance often get demanding, selfish, and needy. These behaviors are completely uncharacteristic of my father, but they have manifested to a level where I was forced to set boundaries.
He called me many times a day to do things for him, often when the request was unimportant and not urgent. He also asked me to do projects for his friends.
As I explained to him, due to the nature of my work as a blogger, writer, and webmaster, I require large blocks of uninterrupted time. I also do not like to be disturbed in the evening and on weekends.
I set these boundaries with him: Except in the case of an emergency, try to call me between 2 and 4 p.m. during the week. Avoid calling during the evening and on weekends, which I designed as my time off. And no projects for his friends.
These boundaries might sound too strict, but they are necessary so that you don’t get burned out and lose your patience, which I did recently. Although what he did was out of bounds, I greatly regretted sounding off. But I learned from it and know it will never happen again.
Remember, empathize, and enjoy
Constantly remind yourself of their age. This helps me a lot. I try to think of his age and condition before each call.
Imagining what it’s like to be their age and living with declining health, sight, and hearing can help create empathy in you. It has worked wonders for me. It encourages me to provide meaningful support for my father during difficult situations.
Focus on enjoying them fully while they are still alive. Tell them you love them. It helps them to hear that at their age. My father and I are telling each other, “I love you” for the first time in our lives. They also greatly value getting phone calls from you.
Finally, appreciate the opportunity, responsibility, and importance of your work. I’m pleased with myself for doing it. Even though I might be able to dig up reasons or excuses for not doing so, I know I’d regret it because it is the right thing to do. I strongly recommend you do the same. You’ll be proud that you did, and you’ll stand taller as a man or woman for having done so.