Your ability to communicate your values, principles, and boundaries is crucial to the success of any relationship, especially a romantic one. You can share them in many different ways. You might convey them verbally, in writing, through a disapproving look, or by leaving.
What’s important is that you stay true to your values, principles, and boundaries. This requires that you take a stand. Taking a stand means that if any of these areas are violated, you say or do what is necessary to let the violator know that you disapprove or are not pleased. You do this even at the risk of losing the relationship, the opportunity to have sex, or the chance to get married. This is where courage plays a key role.
First, you must clearly identify and define your values, principles, and boundaries. The goal is to have instant recall of them. One of the best ways to do that is to put them in writing. This process will implant them in your mind. Then, they will guide you automatically, via your subconscious mind and/or intuition (or gut feelings), as you meet and interact with people.
You might call this document your personal operating manual (POM). You would clearly describe your values, principles, and boundaries in it. You might also include your preferences, likes, dislikes, and other details. You can do it with lists or in more detail. Whatever works for you to cement them in your mind is fine.
Then, if you’re brave enough, offer people close to you the opportunity to read it. Offering it to a new romantic partner you are very interested in would be worthwhile. Not only will they come to know your values, principles, and boundaries, but you’ll also likely be able to determine if they are a good match for you based on their response. You might even ask them to give you the same information.
You could offer it to them in a playful, casual, or straightforward way. You can tell them they can ask any questions or make any comments they want after they have read it in full. If you want to go deeper, you could ask them how your values, principles, and boundaries align with theirs. If you’re feeling bold, you could also ask them if they are willing and able to respect and honor them.
I know this is a very unusual, methodical, and comprehensive way to build a romantic relationship. However, given the low success rate of romantic relationships and marriages and the high level of dissatisfaction, perhaps the time has come for a more conscious, direct, and intelligent approach.
Here is what you might include in your Personal Operating Manual (POM).
A list of your…
- Values
- Principles
- Boundaries
- Communication styles
- Conflict resolution methods
- Philosophical ethics
- Political ideals
- Spiritual beliefs
- Favorite places
- Disliked places
- Favorite activities
- And so on…
If you really want to add some gravity and formality to your manual, create a title page, a copyright page, a terms of use page, and an introduction page.
Reviewing your manual periodically can help keep it active in your daily life.
Personal Operating Manual (POM) – Download
I created a personal user manual template that includes all of the above and much more. It’s in a Microsoft Word format. There is also a PDF example. After you’re done adding your information, you can secure and share it online by printing it to a PDF. To share it offline, print a copy and put it in a soft-cover binder with fasteners.
Get a copy here: Personal Operating Manual (POM)
Use: Romantic partners (dating, courting) and close friends.
Format: Microsoft Word & PDF