Singlehood is the ability to live a rich, fulfilling life as a single adult, whether you are alone, looking for a partner, dating, or in a committed relationship. A person who has achieved it does not need to be in a relationship to be happy. They know that a person must be happy on their own to have a healthy relationship.
A person who has achieved it does not date or get into a relationship because of any personal weaknesses or outside pressures from parents, relatives, friends, clergy, employers, or any other institution in their community. They are not opposed to dating or being in a relationship; they just want to be free to choose when and if they date or begin a relationship. And if they do decide to start either, they will only do so with a person they strongly feel is right for them. They strive for the best in themself, in their partner, and in their relationship. If they decide to find a partner, they do so with great effort and determination, knowing that this is one of the most important decisions of their life!
Singlehood is a level of maturity and self-awareness that transcends the old order of the “couple’s only” society. Society has often assumed that it means aloneness or inferior relationships. This was sometimes true of the couple’s only society in the past, where the few remaining unmarried people were often social misfits. Today things are different. Because of the many changes that I’ll discuss next, singles can now choose when and if they want to marry. The result is a rapidly growing population of unmarried individuals.
Society’s Shifting Expectations
There has been an expectation in society that everyone should be married, be in a relationship that is leading toward marriage, or be in the process of looking for a partner to marry.
This expectation has also extended to most social events. There has been an expectation that everyone who attends a wedding, a family reunion, a dinner party, or the annual company party should come with a marriage partner, a prospective marriage partner, a committed relationship partner, or, at the very least, a date! The same is true if a person goes to a movie, out to dinner, or on vacation alone.
When it is discovered that you are alone and unattached, the inclination is to express some subtle condolences, followed by an offer to introduce you to someone who “they think” would be “perfect” for YOU!
Society has seen it as an inferior status. Just the word “singles” evokes many negative connotations. Even when it is used in conversation to identify a particular group, dance, or website, a skeptical sneer or belittling comment often follows. The inspiration behind the creation of the name Solotopian was to eliminate all of these negative associations.
Changing Attitudes and Latitudes
Attitudes about singles are changing. There is still a long way to go, but the progress has been significant enough to reduce many of the negative attitudes and limitations.
How far have we come? There was a time when physical survival required that men and women partner. There was also a time in many countries around the world when parents or clergy chose marriage partners for their children. This practice still exists in some places.
Not too long ago, most people had to get married due to economic reasons, just to be able to move out of their parents’ home and get a place of their own. This was particularly true for women, as job opportunities and salary levels were significantly unequal. Today, although not yet perfect, most women can choose to live independently without relying on a man for support. This has enabled women to choose when and if they want to be married. This has also reduced the pressure on men.
The result has been the freedom and mental clarity to choose partners more carefully. This freedom has also reduced the likelihood of bringing unhealthy issues into a relationship. And technology has advanced the partner selection capabilities light years ahead in a very short time.
Achieving Singlehood
There are four (4) steps to achieving it. Each step builds upon the one before. Here they are:
First, you need to get rid of everything you have ever been taught to believe about being single. This includes everything you’ve ever read or heard about it. Just wipe the slate clean. From here forward, refuse to allow any negative or limited thinking about it to occupy your mind.
Secondly, choose to adopt a new set of beliefs. Select a new set of beliefs that views the single life as a respected lifestyle choice. A lifestyle that is productive, meaningful, and generous. Choose new beliefs that see singles as a powerful, influential, and valuable group within society.
Thirdly, you need to learn how to be happy and at peace alone. This means having the ability to go out to dinner alone on a Saturday night and truly savor the experience. This means being able to spend an entire month of weekends alone and be completely content. Once you have achieved contentment and fulfillment alone, you will have attained freedom! Freedom to choose when and if you start or end a relationship. This enables you to enter a new relationship from a position of strength, rather than one of neediness. If a relationship turns out to be a bad match, then you’ll be able to end it gracefully and not be emotionally chained to it. If you choose to remain alone for the time being or permanently, you will be at peace with that choice as well.
To learn more about how to be happy and at peace alone, read the article entitled Being Alone to Be Strong Together.
Learning how to be happily single not only allows you to enjoy your life today, but it will enhance your ability to have a successful relationship in the future. Become the person you know you can be, find happiness on your own, and then share it with someone like you. To get some insights and help in this area, read the article entitled Self-Evaluation & Preparation for Relationship Success.
Lastly, you need to create a full life for yourself, independent of a partner. There are many ways to do this. Here are some suggestions.
Join an organization, sign up for classes, or attend seminars that match your passions. Join a club that centers on the sport that you enjoy most. Join a community service group that does work that is meaningful to you.
Create a social circle of single friends. You can do this by regularly inviting a select group of unattached friends to activities that you organize. Here are some suggestions: Saturday evening potlucks, Sunday morning brunches at a unique restaurant, volleyball games at a local park, and holiday dinner parties. Valentine’s Day parties can be especially fun, and even enriching if you get creative. Before you get started, though, you need to decide what kind of group you want it to be. Do you want it to be about meeting potential partners or building friendships? I would recommend the latter. The group will be inclined to follow your lead if you communicate your “intentions” right up front. In the beginning, you’ll need to do a lot of the work yourself. Later, many of the other group members will start to reciprocate.
Start a vacation or weekend getaway group with single friends. This group could be any size. Being a group, you should be able to negotiate some discounts.
The main challenge with singles is getting commitments. They resist making commitments in their free time. Therefore, it will be necessary for you to set clear, unwavering deadlines for the submission of deposits and enrollment information.
If you are feeling inspired, you might consider starting your own singles club. I’ve done it and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life! To learn how to start your own, read How to Start a Successful Singles Club.
The most important aspect of singlehood that I wish for you to embrace is that your value as a person, your ability to make a meaningful contribution to your community, and your capacity to enjoy your life are not contingent on whether you are dating or in a committed relationship.