If you mentally trade places with the opposite sex, you can gain a tremendous advantage. You’ll need to put forth a considerable amount of mental effort to accomplish this, but you’ll appreciate the benefits once you have the information.
I never seriously considered a woman’s perspective when approaching them for a dance, conversation, or a date. I was always too preoccupied with my concerns and desires. This all changed when I went to a gay bar with a (former) girlfriend who wanted to go there to make a donation for World Aids Day in honor of her (deceased) son, who is gay.
Her son had been fatally shot in front of her in the family’s multimillion-dollar home during a light scuffle with a police officer who had a history of questionable shootings. She took the matter to court, but due to legal restrictions on access to police officer records, her lawyer was unable to prove her case. These tragic events led to the demise of her marriage. This story moved me, as you can imagine, so I had no problem going with her to donate.
I had never been to a gay bar, and it’s not a place that I’d frequent since it’s opposite to my lifestyle. That is not to say that I have anything against gay people, because I do not. I find them to be thoughtful, humorous, and intelligent for the most part. Nor am I saying that you need to go to a gay bar to gain this perspective. It was an experience that opened my eyes to the challenges women face with men.
I guess the gay men in this bar did not interpret the woman sitting next to me as my girlfriend because several of them “hit on” me right in front of her. Although I am secure in my own sexuality, the first time it happened, I got pretty mad and immediately straightened out the guy by telling him that I was NOT gay! A few minutes later, I realized I had overreacted and apologized to him. After all, I was in a “gay” bar, which is “their” territory. So from that point on, I was polite to everyone. I decided to treat the situation like an anthropologist on a field study project in an area where most “straight” people have no experience or understanding. So we stayed and had a drink while she submitted her donation.
It was a very strange feeling to be approached by men in a similar way that straight guys hit on women. This is not to say that I look or act feminine in any way because I don’t. Apparently, gay men have different rules when it comes to approaching someone they are interested in. I’ve had women hit on me quite a few times, but for the most part, they did it in a very subtle and almost undetectable way. It has always been a turn-off to me when women pursue me in a direct manner like a guy might do.
I was also approached by a much younger guy, which was startling. It felt even more inappropriate beyond my sexual orientation. This incident gave me a little insight into the “cougar” lifestyle.
Although it could be considered a compliment to be hit on, I was not comfortable completely accepting it as such since it involved a man, and I am straight. Interestingly, as I mentioned earlier, I am not particularly comfortable when a woman hits on me in a direct manner either. The chase stimulates me, as most men and male animals are.
After I was approached a few times, I had an epiphany about how women must feel when they are being hit on. When I say “hit on,” I mean attempts to start a conversation with an obvious purpose, such as being asked to dance or being given a note with a phone number. The young guy gave me a note. I had no idea what was happening when he handed it to me.
That experience kept me thinking about women’s perspectives. I wanted to gain a deeper understanding, so I spent quite a bit of time attempting to reverse the roles in my mind to what it might be like to be a woman and have guys hit on me. I also spent time observing women’s behavior in nightclubs and at singles dances. I would focus on their facial expressions, body language, and reactions with any girlfriends who may have been present before and after the men approached them.
It would not be of any benefit to you to know what I discovered, especially if you’re a woman reading this. This is something that you must experience and learn for yourself to benefit from it. I will tell you how I reversed the roles in my mind, though.
The hard part for me in reversing the roles was giving my mind permission to “imagine” being a woman and being hit on by men who I found attractive and unattractive. Permission is required because it feels very strange and counterintuitive — of course! To feel the attraction part, I had to switch back and forth between imagining that the approaching person was a woman instead of a man.
Here are a couple of generalized tips that are suitable for both male and female readers.
- Men: Imagine what it is like to be pursued, navigate the selection process, and be culturally unacceptable to be the pursuer.
- Women: Imagine what it is like to be the pursuer, deal with rejection, and be culturally responsible for being the pursuer.
I would also recommend conducting an anthropological field study of your own by going to nightclubs and singles dances to observe “mating” behavior. You might allocate the first part of the evening to this activity, perhaps before your first drink. After you complete your observation study for the evening, you’ll have a significant advantage over everyone else in the room. You’ll also likely have an excellent idea of the best women.
I will share one discovery that you may already know, but probably do not fully understand. I offer it as a tip in the mindset you’ll need to succeed in trading places mentally. Here it is. Men and women live mentally in completely different and opposite worlds. Your best chance to gain some understanding is by visiting their world mentally and through observation. No bras or jockstraps required. 🙂
Enjoy your trip.