Defining Such a Relationship
Toxic love, unhealthy relationship, toxic relationship, and bad relationship are all different names for the same thing. Therefore, I’ll be talking about all of them in this article, but only from the point of view of a romantic love relationship.
Toxic love is a sickness in the hearts of the participants. It is a union of unhealthy and needy individuals. It is a parasite of the human spirit. It uses another person’s weakened spirit to survive. It is an emotional cancer that destroys the healthy parts of a person until there is nothing left except an empty shell– unless its progression is stopped!
A person in a toxic love relationship can fool themselves and their partner into believing they are protectors, givers, nurturers, or enlighteners. The relationship’s condition is uncertainty, anger, neediness, insecurity, and suspicion.
Once a person is deeply involved in a toxic love affair, they gradually lose the ability to recognize behavior that is unhealthy and unacceptable. They eventually lose touch with the concept of a healthy relationship.
In these relationships, each partner’s central role is either as a parasite or as a victim. However, these roles can switch periodically if an emotionally charged situation arises, like a bitter argument. When this happens, a repressed, sick part of an individual can shoot out like red-hot lava from an angry volcano!
The degree of sick behavior by either partner can vary. One of them may be sicker than the other. One or both of them may abuse their partner. They may abuse in different ways. Their abuse might be blatant or indiscernible. It might be unintentional, subconscious, or both. Whatever the method of delivery, it is equally damaging to the recipient. The sinister aspect of imperceptible abuse is that it’s difficult to identify and explain. This makes it hard to gain support from family and friends.
Any relationship that makes you feel bad is or has the capability of becoming a toxic love relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that one or both partners have to be psychologically ill for this to occur. Just being with a person who’s wrong for you can lead to a toxic love relationship.
Recognizing a Toxic Love Relationship
So, how do you know when you’re in a toxic love relationship? During the early stages of these relationships, it’s hard to spot. If either partner has unhealthy tendencies, they usually repress them. As a person becomes more involved, especially if they are at a low point in their life, it progressively becomes more difficult to determine. This is particularly true if one or both partners are getting sicker as a result of their involvement in the toxic love affair.
One of the best ways to know if you are in a toxic love relationship is to look at how you feel. Since you have been together, do you feel better or worse about yourself and your life? When you spend time together, do you feel uplifted, relaxed, and confident? Or do you feel depressed, nervous, and unsure? When you are away from each other, do you feel certain and at peace about your relationship? Or do you feel confused and anxious about it? If you feel like the second part of these comparative questions more often than not, you may be in a toxic love relationship.
Another, and perhaps more reliable, method for determining whether you are in a toxic love relationship is to tune in to what your intuition, or gut feelings, are telling you. (Intuition and gut feelings are different names for the same thing.)
Even if you grew up in a home with parents who had a sick relationship, you know better. Surely you’ve known at least one couple with a relationship you could use as a healthy relationship model.
If you grew up with parents who fought a lot, as I did, there certainly is the inclination to fall into unhealthy relationships, but we have a choice. The best one we can make is to take 100% responsibility for our adult relationships. This means not blaming our parents or anyone else for the outcome of our relationship choices.
I have fallen into some toxic love relationships in my life, but I have also managed to have quite a few healthy ones as well. I can tell you one thing that I discovered from these highly contrasting experiences. There is no comparison in joy, fulfillment, and productivity to when you are in a healthy relationship instead of a toxic one. It wasn’t until I was in a super healthy relationship that I understood the meaning of true love. The most profound aspect that I discovered, which amazed my friends, was a shift in my consciousness to being more concerned about her happiness than mine. The more I gave without measure, the more I received. The point here is that one of the characteristics of a toxic love relationship is self-centeredness!
One of the most amazing things about being in a bad relationship, which I talk about in this article entitled “Breaking Up! How to Ride the Pain to Gain,“ is how I felt about them once I broke free. It was nearly impossible to figure out what I saw in them. While deeply entrenched in the relationship’s turmoil, I couldn’t see the situation’s futility. Nor could I recall how I felt the last time I broke free from a similar involvement. Eventually, I learned how to use these experiences to my advantage and overcome future breakups more easily and quickly.
Your intuition, or gut feelings, is the most reliable way to decide if you’re in a toxic love relationship. But you may not have access to this information right now for two reasons: (1) You have not developed the ability to tune in to and trust your intuition, or gut feelings. (2) The sickness of your relationship may have progressed to the point where you can no longer distinguish between healthy and unhealthy behavior.
You can learn if you have not developed the ability to tune in to and trust your intuition. Everybody has this capability. Have you ever felt strongly about a particular person or situation that turned out as you had thought? This is your intuition speaking to you. To learn more about intuition, read the article “Intuition – How to Access, Recognize, & Trust It.”
If the sickness of your relationship has progressed to the point where your mind has turned to mush, read this article entitled, “What is Love? Defined by What it Is and is Not!” It might give you clarity. It includes a list of what you will NOT feel, think, share, and experience when you’re “truly” in love. This list is a perfect description of a toxic love relationship.
Escaping a Toxic Love Relationship
So, what do you do if you find yourself in a toxic love relationship? You need to find a way to separate yourself from the relationship immediately! If you cannot handle the thought of permanently ending your relationship right now, then propose to your partner with conviction that you take 30 to 90 days off under the conditions described below.
Both partners agree to…
- Cut off all contact and communication for 30 to 90 days.
- Reset the clock if either person violates these conditions for any reason.
- Meet in a neutral location (park, restaurant) at the end of 30 to 90 days.
- Write a letter to each other and present it during the meeting. (Optional)
- Honor either partner’s wishes to end the relationship after the meeting without any argument or repercussions.
Agreeing to meet at the end of the 30 to 90 day term will provide the sense of security you both might need. Most importantly, it will give you the space and time to regain your strength. It will also give your partner a cooling-off period.
There is one caveat to making this 30 to 90 day agreement. There’s a good chance that your feelings for one another will change or switch by the time you meet. For example, you may have initiated the separation, but later you decide to try the relationship again. At the time of your separation, your partner may have begged you to stay together. But when they arrive at your meeting, they want to end your relationship permanently. The only thing you need to do is prepare yourself for any outcome and not have any expectations.
Consider these things if you are unsure whether you should leave your partner. In your current state, you have nothing positive to give to this or any other relationship. The same is true of your partner.
The best thing to do for yourself and your partner is to break away from the relationship completely or at least in the manner described above. You aim to put time and physical distance between you and the relationship. This will allow you to regain your emotional equilibrium. Once you’re away from the stress and sickness of the relationship for a while, you’ll begin to see it for what it truly is: toxic love, perhaps? The only person on earth who can truly decide is you!
If you feel your relationship may be salvageable, consider reading this article, “Couples Communication without Confrontation!” Completing the communication exercise described may give you the starting point you need.
If you feel your relationship is not worth any further investment, I would encourage you to look at this transition as an opportunity for personal growth! To support your efforts, read as much information as possible on your needs and goals. The recommended books list includes many excellent books that you might consider.