Asking someone to go out on a date can be nerve-racking. But there are several ways to go about it that may make it easier for you.
Men do most of the asking, but women sometimes do, although their approach is usually stealthy. I find it unappealing when a woman asks me for a date directly. I prefer a subtle, classy approach.
If a woman asks me out directly, I may be somewhat flattered by her request, but at the same time, I get red flag warnings in my gut that she’s either loose, aggressive, or both. These traits are a turn-off for me, and I believe they are also for most men.
I also think part of the reason for my resistance to a direct approach by women is the innate need in males to chase. The chase is arousing. If I can catch a woman too easily or she throws herself at me, it’s a turn-off. I feel it’s the same for some women, but for different reasons.
I should mention that some men do like aggressive women who boldly ask them out. And some men like an approach somewhere between. As long as it’s legal, whatever lits your fire is okay. If you’re unsure which approach to use or accept, stay true to yourself and do not try to fake it.
Please don’t confuse tactfulness and assertiveness with being forward and aggressive. A woman or a man who is tactful and assertive in asking someone out is positive because it’s intelligent and courageous. A man or a woman who is forward and aggressive in asking someone out is negative because it’s selfish and forceful.
Here are four strategies for asking someone out for a date.
Directly
Asking a person to go out directly means telling them you want to take them out on a date without beating around the bush or any subtleties. Asking a person to go in this way has several advantages. By being direct, there is no ambiguity. They clearly understand what you want. Here’s the great thing about being direct. You’ve planted a seed whether they agree to go out with you or decline.
If they say no for whatever reason, most of which has nothing to do with you, they’ll probably remember your request, and they may act on it later. I’ve had this happen many times. I was pleasantly surprised to receive that phone call or knock on the door weeks or months later. 😀
Double Direct
Double direct means you ask a person to go on a date and briefly describe your attraction to them. This only works if you’re sincere. If you’re flattering them, your disingenuousness will eventually be detected. Being slutty or sexually suggestive usually backfires as well.
The double direct approach plants a potent seed surrounded by fertilizer. The key is to ask them for a date and describe how you feel about them in a straightforward, honest, tactful way. Then be silent with an attitude of no expectations. If they seem uncomfortable and unsure how to respond, tell them, “You don’t have to respond or say anything. I just wanted to ask and tell you how I feel.” Regardless of their response, the reward could be awesome if the seed germinates. I can tell you from personal experience that the reward can indeed be awesome!
When you concentrate on planting seeds and not getting affirmative replies to your requests for a date, you take the pressure off yourself. You will also likely end up with more dates than you can handle once you’ve planted the entire field of possibilities. 😀
Indirectly
Asking a person to go out on a date indirectly means you ask them to join you in an activity you want to do and suspect they may also want to do. You might say, “I’m considering checking out that new coffeehouse. Would you like to go?”
The focus is on the activity that “you” want to do and not on the date. So, technically, it’s not a date. The person you’re asking may feel more comfortable with this casual approach and, therefore, more likely to accept your invitation. It also takes the pressure off both of you.
I find it best to pick an activity you want to do. One that even if they say no, you’d still want to do with a friend or alone. By selecting an activity you’re excited about, your enthusiasm may entice them to go, and it will also override any uneasiness about asking or being asked to go on a date.
Double Indirect
A double indirect means you ask a person indirectly, as described above, but instead of traveling to the destination together, you ask them to “meet you” there. You might say, “I’m going to that new coffeehouse tomorrow morning. Would you like to meet me there?” This approach really takes the pressure off.
This works particularly well for a first date since you wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of riding back together if things are not going well. If you’re getting dates online, I strongly recommend this approach for the first date.
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No matter how you go about it, the most important thing is asking. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. You’ll gain more courage and skill each time you ask someone out. Remember that you cannot intellectualize the courage you need to ask. If you’re afraid, you’ve got to go ahead anyway and ask. Then, you’ll get another piece of courage. Soon, you’ll be fearless!