What do you do when you’re deeply in love with someone who doesn’t know how you feel? Do you continue to suffer in silence and waste your time? Or do you tell them how you feel? If the conditions are safe, I suggest you tell them how you feel at the right time and place.
Being deeply in love with someone who doesn’t seem to have similar feelings can be difficult. It can also be time-wasting. And it can be risky if you suddenly tell them how you feel without thinking. But things can also turn out like you hoped if you do it carefully. Here’s how.
Often, the person is a coworker, a fellow student, or someone with whom you spend a lot of time. It can be dangerous if you are both in an organization that is very important to you, like an employer. If they are married, the risk increases significantly. If they are married and have children, the risk is even greater.
The risk is in how they will treat you afterward and how their spouse might react if they find out. You never know what retaliatory or protective measures a spouse might take that could hurt you. The other risk is the guilt you might feel for having caused the breakup of a marriage. This could be especially true if children are involved.
The most important question is whether you completely trust the person. If you have any doubts whatsoever and there’s a lot at stake, like a career, I suggest you move on. Maybe your level of trust will develop in time, but I wouldn’t put your life on hold waiting to find out.
If the person you’re in love with is married and has children, you have to consider how your decision to express your feelings might impact the lives of the children. This is true even if the couple is going through a rough patch because your actions could worsen things and lead to a breakup. And the breakup might not even result in you getting together with your love interest. You might be the “stepping stone” to freedom, so to speak. Your actions might lead them to see new possibilities beyond their marriage. In other words, you might be the facilitator but not the beneficiary.
If you determine the situation is safe, I’d encourage you to proceed. Doing so will take tremendous courage, as you already know, but the rewards can be fantastic! And this can be true whether you end up with them or not. Here’s how I’d suggest you go about it. This is partly based on my experience, by the way, which turned out to be incredible! I say partly because I’ve learned much more since then.
Love Fuels Courage
Telling a person you’ve known for a long time that you love them takes tremendous courage. But you have a powerful resource that you can draw upon, Love!
There is no more powerful force on earth than love. Love can fuel incredible bursts of courage in humans that are stronger than a lion’s. Love is what wins wars. Soldiers’ love for their wives/husbands (girlfriends/boyfriends), family, friends, and country drives them to win. Soldiers who are motivated by hate never have and never will succeed.
Use the power of love to energize your courage. If you embrace this fully, you will find that your courage is stronger than you could have imagined.
Get Your Head on Right
Your goal is to tell them “exactly” how you feel. That’s it. You want to make your feelings understood. Regardless of their response, you will be planting a powerful seed.
No manipulative or pressure tactics should be used. If you do this, their response will not be truthful and pure. This dishonorable behavior could also prevent the seed from germinating and growing into a great love.
Choose the Best Time & Place
Choosing the best time and place is crucial. You want to ensure you have plenty of time to say everything you need and enough time afterward to respond accordingly. You also want to pick a location that fits the occasion and will be memorable in the future.
Ask to meet and talk with them on a day and time when you’ll both have a large block of unrestricted time of about 1-2 hours. Although what you need to say may only take a few minutes, you want to allow enough time to enjoy an affirmative response or talk things out should the reply fall short of what you hoped for.
Pick a location befitting of love. Natural beauty should be a priority. Choose a place like a beach or a park at sunset, a romantic restaurant, or a city promenade.
You might find that choosing a place where you can walk will work best. Walking will allow you to work off nervous energy and be more expressive because you can use your whole body. Walking will also free you from facing them eye to eye throughout your talk, as you would in a restaurant.
Share and Then Be Silent
Start by asking them to let you say everything you need before they respond or ask questions. Be firm about this. It’s important that you tell them “everything” you want in the way that’s best for you! Interruptions will compromise this.
To remove any pressure and awkwardness for them, end your statement by telling them something like this: “I just wanted to let you know how I feel. I am not expecting a response. You don’t have to say or do anything. Let’s keep walking. It’s a beautiful evening.” Then be silent on that topic and let their response be open-ended. In other words, you immediately move on emotionally and let things go where they will.
It’s impossible to predict how they will respond. You may get an unexpected response where they tell you that they have also secretly loved you. They may respond in a way that lets you know they do not feel the same way. Or they may respond in a way that doesn’t let you do anything. In that case, the unknown is whether the seed you planted will germinate, grow, and reveal itself down the road.
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Once you’ve told them how you feel, you’ll likely feel a tremendous sense of relief as though a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders. You’ll also feel a sense of pride for having the courage to do it.
Once it’s done, you can move forward with peace knowing that you had the courage to do your part for love, and now it’s up to them.