With Sincerity, Creativity, & Courage
There are many formulas and clever ways for approaching women out there. The most effective and reliable way is to approach women with sincerity, a touch of creativity, and courage. Here’s how.
Your Mindset is Key
“You become what you think about.” – Earl Nightingale
No other situation is this quote more appropriate than when you are approaching women. If you have thoughts of self-doubt or defeat (rejection), that’s what you will get. And that’s how women will respond to you.
Women are tuned in to confidence. Confidence is the number one turn-on for them. It’s more important to them than good looks or a muscular physique. Don’t confuse confidence with feeling shy or vulnerable when approaching women. Many women like it when men are shy and vulnerable. Women can detect the difference. This is one of the most important points that’s particularly challenging for men to grasp, including me. We believe that if we feel nervous, shy, or vulnerable when approaching women, they will perceive this behavior as a weakness or a lack of self-confidence. As men, we know there is a thin line between the two. If feelings of shyness or vulnerability prevent a man from approaching or talking to women in an appropriate manner, he needs to work on building his self-confidence.
So, how do you develop your confidence in approaching women? You work on it from the inside out. You work on your thoughts and beliefs about yourself and conduct mental rehearsals of the desired outcome.
The first step is to focus on the best parts of you! Go over the best parts of your personality, mind, and body. Recall all your successes. Then, select those areas and things that would be of the greatest interest and benefit to women and focus on those. Get the idea. The goal is to get yourself into the mental zone of seeing yourself at your best!
The next step is to engage in mental visualization exercises, where you visualize yourself approaching women with confidence and self-assurance. Include every detail in these visualizations. See yourself confidently approaching and speaking to women, and being able to respond effectively to whatever they say. Continue to go through these exercises until the positive outcomes you desire are firmly implanted in your mind.
The next step is to put this activity into its proper perspective. This is not a “do or die” situation. Therefore, you have the freedom to be unconcerned about the outcome. This frame of mind can reduce the pressure, but courage will still be needed. As with any situation that requires courage, we must move forward, even though we may be uncomfortable or scared out of our minds. To do this, we cannot let concerns about a possible unwanted outcome deter us from approaching women. Courage is doing it anyway, no matter how uncomfortable or fearful you may be. Confidence is making the decision and believing in your ability to do it.
Here’s another way to put this activity into its proper place. If you compare approaching women to approaching an adversary on the battlefield who wants to kill you, it doesn’t seem like a “dangerous” situation anymore. There are probably a few combat veterans saying to themselves, “I would rather face the enemy than approach a beautiful woman. I understand how women have the capacity to wound a man emotionally; I’ve been seriously injured many times. The difference here is that a woman’s ability to wound us is 100% dependent on our willingness to allow it mentally.
The truth is that when most women reject men’s requests for a dance or date, they do it politely and with kindness. The other truth is that most of the time when they do reject us, it has nothing whatsoever to do with us.
Our mindset for successfully approaching women should be that of a warrior: strong, capable, sincere, and courageous.
Reflect Rejection
If you consider all the possible reasons why a woman might reject you that have nothing whatsoever to do with you, it’s absurd to feel bad about it. You do not have any advanced knowledge about her mood, situation, or desires.
You don’t know if she just got some bad news, if she has a boyfriend or husband, or if you don’t fit her criteria of the man she wants at that point in her life. The unknown truth might be that you are too good-looking, too intelligent, too sophisticated, or too physically fit for her to feel comfortable around you! Or, the brutal truth might be that the opposite is the case. If so, you can do something about it by beginning a program of self-improvement. If you’re interested, a good starting point would be to read the article Self Evaluation & Preparation for Relationship Success.
You can see that there is no logical reason to take rejection personally. If you get rejected, remind yourself that it’s a numbers game and move on! If you want to learn more about how to handle rejection, read the article How to Handle Rejection. Overcoming the fear of rejection is easily accomplished through repeated exposure. You do this by approaching women as frequently as possible.
Women Get Nervous Too
Women are usually as concerned about their attractiveness and how they will respond if a man approaches them as men are. It’s hard to see because we’re often too focused on our own concerns when, in fact, women are experiencing similar anxieties and fears. Understanding this can eliminate a lot of our uneasiness about approaching women.
To understand the female perspective, you need to turn the game around in your mind. Imagine yourself being the pursued sex rather than the pursuer. Imagine being asked for a dance or a date, rather than being the one to ask. Imagine being asked by dozens of women, just a few, and hardly any at all.
If you’ve ever had a woman ask you for a dance or even a date, you got a taste of what it’s like to be on the “other team.” Now let’s expand this experiment a little. Add in the unique competitive field that exists between women. Factor in all the unique life decisions and responsibilities that women have, which center on the man they choose. These would include getting pregnant, supporting, and raising a child. Once you get yourself into the place of looking at the world from a woman’s perspective, you can better understand what is going on in their mind when you approach them.
I’ve always been astonished by the stories unusually beautiful women have told me. Many of these women would say to me that they rated themselves lower in appearance than most of the women and men they met. I found that they frequently had a distorted self-image about several specific areas of their face or body, but when I looked at them, I couldn’t pick out a single flaw.
During informal interviews with these extraordinary women, I discovered these things. These women frequently do not see themselves as the world does. Because they have been showered with compliments on their beauty throughout much of their lives, they often become obsessed with tiny imperfections that erode their self-confidence. Alternatively, they may go in the opposite direction and obsess over their beauty, ignoring the development of other areas. These areas would include their social skills, personality, and intellect.
Once you uncover some of the mysteries, approaching women doesn’t seem as intimidating as it did before.
Approaching Women with Your Eyes First
You can save yourself a lot of trouble by approaching women with your eyes first whenever possible. Let me get this out of the way up front. I am not talking about staring or sexually suggestive looks. Besides being rude and inappropriate, these behaviors make women uncomfortable. I am talking about a casual, relaxed, and friendly look. Repeated looks are okay as long as you haven’t gotten any negative reaction from them. If you do, you should stop. You can check back a few times later, however, to see if they might have reconsidered and changed their mind. If you get the same negative response, move on!
Sometimes you can get an idea about a woman’s present state of mind and her initial impression of you by making eye contact with her. I say ‘sometimes’ because some women do not have the self-confidence or courage to look back at you and respond in a clear-cut way. There’s a fine line here in both cases.
In either situation, you must really zero in on their subtle reactions to your efforts to make eye contact with them. This would include their facial reactions and body language. You must activate all your senses to decide if it’s a go or pass situation. Are they playing it cool or being cool toward you? Are they being shy or trying to ignore you? Are they interested in meeting you, or are they more interested in the conversation they are having with their girlfriend?
Under the right conditions, approaching women with your eyes can save you lots of time, discomfort, and sometimes money.
Find a Mutual Point of Interest
You can take the pressure off yourself about what to say when approaching women by finding something interesting in the environment to comment on. Your target should be something that might be of interest to her as well as yourself, or something that demonstrates the kind of person that you are. When you reveal who you are through your comments, you can immediately determine whether you have a basis for a relationship or a good conversation.
Whether you are in a familiar environment or not, there is always something interesting you can find to talk about. In fact, the excitement of being in unfamiliar surroundings can lead to some new conversation starters.
The key is to find something that sincerely interests you! When you do that, you can focus your attention on what interests you and not on how you’re going to go about meeting someone. It also takes the pressure off the woman. All of this can lead to a relaxed and natural conversation. Then, if the chemistry is right, you might find yourselves having a great time on the dance floor without having experienced all the usual awkwardness in between.
Approaching women in this way not only takes some of the pressure off but can also lead to more successful interactions.
Approaching Women Decisively & Courageously
Plan exactly what you are going to say to them in advance. Will you begin with a comment or question, as discussed above? Or are you just going to ask them to dance? By the way, asking someone to dance is a great way to break the ice.
Whatever your choice, make up your mind that you are going to walk over to her, say what you had planned, and wait for her reaction without any concern about what it might be. After all, there are billions of fish in the sea.
If her reaction is negative or unclear, give her a pleasant and courteous nod, turn, and walk away. Don’t linger, don’t try to persuade her, and certainly don’t beg!
There is a chance she may change her mind after considering your interaction, so check back later if you feel inclined to do so. You might try checking back by making eye contact with her for a moment. If you get a negative response, move on!
Play an Obvious Game
This method requires the most creativity and can make the act of approaching women a lot more enjoyable. Playing an obvious game means performing a role that is “clearly” not true or intended to deceive.
There is always a tendency for singles to present themselves as being something they are not when they first meet someone. This is especially true after they have had a few drinks. This is not what I am talking about here. I believe that your best act is being yourself. You can do this in creative ways, however. It all depends on your natural abilities.
One game that I played very successfully at nightclubs was that of being the club’s social director. My friends can attest to the success of this approach to interacting with women. This might sound somewhat dishonest, but it wasn’t, because I acted and responded in a way that women knew I wasn’t really the club’s social director. They play along because it was fun! In this role, I had the opportunity to meet almost every woman in the room and pick the ones that I wanted to get to know better. After a while, I would zero in on the one that I liked the most. The woman I chose would often seem excited, apparently because I picked her over everyone else. Winning out over the competition (other women) seems to be an aphrodisiac of sorts for women.
Another playful way to approach women is to introduce yourself as a movie hero or a historical figure. I’ve been amazed by how successful and fun this approach can be. I’ve concluded that this is successful because women love romance and mystery. This makes sense when you consider that this is what women fantasize about most of the time. They envision their knight in an expensive suit riding up in his white Ferrari and taking her away to his mountaintop chateau. This method allows them to live this fantasy.
This approach is not as complicated as it might sound. Here’s how you present your character. You approach a woman as you usually would, or as discussed above, and then, when the time comes for introductions, you introduce yourself as your selected character. If she plays along, continue. If she seems confused, help her understand with a few playful comments connected to your character. If she still doesn’t join in or she rejects the game from the start, smile and politely reintroduce yourself using your real name (first only). If she asks for an explanation, tell her you were trying to break the ice. Don’t worry about any ambiguities; you will know straight away if she’s going to play along. Frequently, you can tell just by looking at them from across the room.
I find that it’s best to pick a movie character or a historical figure because both clearly represent themselves as a fantasy. It’s also best to choose one that you can relate to in some way. A person who reflects your values or secret aspirations works well. Here are some examples of the movie and historical legends I am referring to: James Bond, Indiana Jones, Blackbeard, Socrates, Mozart, Picasso, Achilles, and Robin Hood.
The way women respond to you has a lot to do with how you come across right at the beginning. When approaching women in this manner, you must play the role sincerely yet playfully. Let the role be a demonstration of the kind of man you are or aspire to be. If you’re not comfortable with this approach in any way, do not use it.
Give Your Attention but Retain Your Heart
Women love attention because it conveys a message to them. It tells them that you are more interested in them than any other woman or activity in the vicinity. As you know, women compete with other women in a variety of areas that guys don’t. That’s why attention is so important to women.
So give the woman you are talking to your full attention. Taking your attention away from them to check out other women, or anything else, is impolite. This is especially true if the woman is your girlfriend, wife, or even your sister or mother. Classy men control their attention and only check out a woman when it’s appropriate, and even then, they do it subtly. Gawking, whistling, and making crass comments are immature behaviors.
If the woman before you matches your fantasy, it’s easy to give her your full attention along with your heart. Give her your full attention, but retain your heart until you know her better. If you give up your heart too soon, you risk losing your judgment and ability to choose between her and another woman in the room who may be a better match for you. You might also come across as being too anxious, pushy, or needy. As long as you retain your heart, you control your part of the game. Only give it up to a woman whom you know and trust completely!
You will have a lot more success approaching women if you proceed with the intention of giving them your full attention but retaining your heart until the appropriate time.
Begin with an Honorable Plan
The tone of your proposition for your next meeting depends on your purpose for approaching women in the first place. It depends on whether you are looking for an evening of adventure, a woman to date, a girlfriend, or a wife. The seriousness with which you execute this plan depends on your objectives at this point in your life.
The honorable plan is this. After meeting a woman for the first time at a nightclub, dance, or other venue, rather than suggesting that you go to your apartment or hers, start by suggesting the extreme opposite, and mean it! Here are some examples. Suggest to her that you attend a religious service or a new age spiritual meeting. Suggest to her that you attend a self-improvement seminar or New Thought gathering. Suggest to her that you visit a cultural venue, such as a library, bookstore, art gallery, or museum. Suggest to her that you meet in a few days to get better acquainted under the supervision of her parents, siblings, and/or girlfriends. If you’ve ever seen the first ”Godfather” movie,
The more you do it, the better you’ll get at approaching women. Proceed with sincerity and courage, and you will eventually find the woman of your dreams!