Although this article offers many great dating tips, advice, and ideas, it also offers much more. It provides education and strategy to dramatically improve your dating success and enjoyment.
To highlight key points, you will find these markers throughout the text: (Tip) & (Ideas).
Benefits of Mastery
Most of us approach dating casually, as if our instincts dictated actions we had no control over, as with animals. The difference, of course, is that humans have an infinitely superior intelligence that enables us to think, analyze, and choose.
Mastering dating rituals and techniques can change everything in terms of how successful you are in the courting process. This includes not only recognizing when it’s time to move on, but also creating romance and passion with the person you have determined is a promising match. (Tip) Dating rituals and techniques produce the mystery and romance women love, and the allure and passion men love.
Other benefits of developing these skills include greater poise and confidence, which translate to greater enjoyment. The final reward is a successful dating experience with someone you recognize as being the one who’s right for you!
Building from the Basics
We will develop this information from a solid foundation by building on the basics of dating. We will apply the techniques we learn through dating basics or rituals. Even the highly experienced dating veteran will benefit from this review.
The first date can elicit a wide range of feelings, from anxiety and self-doubt to relaxed and confident for those who are well-prepared or experienced. Opinions on how the date went can also vary widely from “I think we had a great time” to “I’m not sure if either one of us had a good time or not.” The uncertainty and mixed emotions are normal. The range of possible emotions varies with a person’s dating experience and how long it’s been since they last dated.
Responsibility for at least the first several dates, even by today’s standards, typically rests almost entirely on the man. Ladies can be helpful by cooperating with plans and being gracious as their man tries his best to execute various dating rituals and customs, such as opening doors, ordering wine, and so forth, without stumbling.
First Date
The first date should be scheduled a week to two (2) weeks in advance, and it should be on a weekday (Monday through Thursday), not Friday or Saturday night. Friday and Saturday nights are reserved for the more advanced stages of dating. If work or school schedules don’t permit this, then a date during the day on Saturday or Sunday will work. (Tip) Incidentally, you should be trying to date several people, or at least more than one, during your quest. Focusing on one person can undermine your resolve to reach your target.
Gentlemen, you should select a specific day and time for your date before asking her. If she tells you it’s not a good day, do not negotiate unless she offers a particular alternative that fits your plan (Monday through Thursday, or Saturday or Sunday during the day). If she doesn’t provide a specific alternative (This would not include, “Call me next week.”), say to her, “Perhaps some other time.” That’s it! (Tip) The reason for these tactical moves is that, if she is interested, she will help make it happen by rearranging her plans or offering a specific alternative. Ladies, I’m sure you will agree with this. (Tip) Gentlemen, if you receive a vague response to your invitation, make a judgment call on whether to try again or move on. If the second attempt doesn’t work, don’t waste your time; move on. The same applies to women. (Tip) If a guy is not following these guidelines by not giving you enough advanced notice, or he has no plans when he picks you up, or he’s not attentive during your dates, move on. In either case, the situation for the person you are attracted to could change in the future, but for now, they are probably not interested. The reasons for rejection, and how they usually have nothing whatsoever to do with you, are discussed in this article: How to Handle Rejection.
The destination for your date should be simple and inexpensive, but clean and nice, and in your neighborhood. There is no point in investing your time or significant money until you decide whether you like each other. (Tip) Most women will only become uncomfortable or perceive you as being foolish if you spend a month’s pay on the first date. (Ideas) Possible locations for a first date might be at a local tavern, a coffeehouse, or an inexpensive restaurant.
Your Best Act is Being Yourself
Don’t try to impress your date with your wealth, your position, your car, or your body measurements. Using these things to win someone over will only attract those with superficial intentions. (Tip) Win them over by showing them the qualities you have inside by simply being yourself.
Actually, the most important thing you can do on a date is to be yourself. There is always the temptation to act like the “Goddess Princess” or the “Knight in Shining Armor,” especially after a few drinks. There is also the tendency to go along with things that conflict with your values or to overstate your accomplishments or virtues. Trying to be somebody you aren’t will not only bind you to a pack of lies, but it will often bring about an arrogant and conceited manner in you. It’s also a lot of work being someone you’re not. Wouldn’t you rather have someone fall in love with you as you truly are? Of course, you would. So do it. Be yourself!
Attraction Intoxication
Although you may be intoxicated by the beautiful or handsome appearance of your date, do not reveal the full extent of your feelings just yet. Save that for the right moment, several dates down the road. Just say, ”You look very nice,” and leave it at that. (Tip) Sexual innuendo has no place in the early stages of dating. They can be offensive to women and, at times, to men as well.
Do not let physical attraction (or lust) cloud your judgment. When this happens, your vision begins to fade away, and you risk the chance of fooling yourself into believing that you have found the one who’s right for you. Don’t allow physical attraction to obscure your emotional requirements. Because when you find someone who satisfies both, the fireworks will be a continuous grand finale, and not a brief show followed by a string of duds. So don’t settle for a person who falls short of your vision. (Tip) To quickly assess whether someone meets our criteria, we need to trust our intuition and not be timid about probing their true character through tactful questions. To learn more about how to use intuition, read this article: Intuition: How to Access, Recognize, & Trust It.
Tactical Questions
Keep the conversation light during the first few dates, but do try to tactfully discover if your date has the qualities you seek in a partner or friend. (Tip) Don’t tell them your whole life story and all your intimate secrets right away. Prolong the mystery. In fact, always try to maintain some degree of anonymity in some area of your personality or life, as it naturally provokes more excitement. Mystery is a mental aphrodisiac!
Note your date’s personality traits and how they demonstrate their values through their actions and spontaneous comments. Then ask yourself, “Do their responses reflect my values?”
On the first few dates, your questions should focus on discovering what you have in common and on generating stimulating conversation. Save the more probing and tactical questions for later.
Here are a few words of caution about the use of questions. (Tip) If you’re dating more than one person at the same time and you tend to get confused about what you’ve discussed with each person, I suggest keeping notes in your journal or calendar. Nothing is more disappointing to a date than when it is discovered that you can’t remember what you spoke to them about. (Tip) On the other hand, nothing is more charming than when you remember details about your conversation.
Get tactical dating questions here: Dating Questions for Successful Relationships.
At the End & Before the Next Date
Gentlemen, if, when saying good night on the first date, you feel a kiss might be appropriate, kiss her once to the duration that feels right. (Tip) Then say goodnight, turn, and walk away. Do not linger, talk more, try to kiss her again, or ask her for a second date.
Ladies, be sure to thank your date for the things he bought you. Be sensitive to the fact that dating is expensive, and you never know how deep a man is going into his current budget to take you out.
Wait a few days and think it over. Is he or she worth pursuing? If so, gentlemen, call her about a week later and schedule the second date for around a week from then. (Tip) Ladies, if you haven’t heard from him within two (2) weeks, move on. Don’t take it personally, even if you had a great time. Don’t waste your time trying to figure it out. Just get yourself back out there. Ladies, if you’re not interested, politely but frankly decline his offer for a date, even if you don’t have a date for the company Christmas party. You’d make a better impression on your friends and management if you were there with someone truly right for you!
Second Date
The second date should be advanced by one more step: schedule it later in the week, on Thursday or Friday evening, or on Sunday, but not on Saturday night. The destination should remain inexpensive, but slightly more adventuresome. (Ideas) Perhaps a light dinner at a unique sandwich or coffee shop, a movie, a special ice cream parlor, and/or a walking tour through a popular area with a lot of interesting stores.
A goodbye kiss on the second date can last a little longer, or a kiss or two (2) during the date is okay, but don’t prolong it. (Tip) Build up to that. Later, once your friendship and feelings are established, the long romantic kiss will be heartfelt and memorable. If rushed, it may be awkward if your relationship development has not progressed at the same pace. So let interest, excitement, and romance develop at their own pace, and give your partner/friend something to think about between dates. (Tip) Gentlemen, after the goodnight kiss, if there is one (some people take longer and that’s okay too), say goodnight and leave. Do not linger. Do not schedule the next date for that time. Wait! Waiting not only gives you a cooling-off period to get your head straight, but it also builds excitement and romance.
Third Date
If things are progressing well and your date meets your criteria so far, gentlemen, ask her for a third date after about a week and schedule it about a week in advance. And elevate the courting process to the next level, perhaps a Friday or even a Saturday night. (Ideas) Dinner and dancing, or dinner and a movie, are good choices.
Ladies, if he doesn’t meet your criteria at this point, move on. (Tip) Don’t think that you can change him. Instead of wasting time, get back out there. If he calls, tell him that your situation has changed and you’re no longer available. If he’s persistent, be honest, but also remember to be kind and empathetic. Just tell him something like, “I think we would both be happier with someone else.”
I am placing greater emphasis at this point on the women’s decision to move on, as they typically have better judgment than men in the early stages of dating. Later on, it switches.
Dancing Expresses the Heart
I am going to change direction for a bit to share some important and exciting thoughts about dancing. Let me start by giving you a brief history of dancing. Humans have been dancing for thousands of years. Many forms and uses evolved alongside the development of human society. Although dancing was used for a variety of situations, its underlying purpose in most of them was to inspire and to gain unity of thought or focus. Male warriors danced together to strengthen one another; women danced together to support one another; spiritual leaders danced to deepen their connection with their higher power; and lovers danced together to celebrate, connect, and express their affection.
I would expect that most dance variations, especially in modern society, occur between men and women. There’s the waltz, the tango, the swing, the salsa, the two-step, and many more. My favorite is the freestyle dance you might see in a nightclub, as it offers complete freedom to express your individuality.
Whatever your tastes are in dance, what is important is whether you and your partner/friend harmonize in style, rhythm, and tempo. (Tip) If not, you are unlikely to harmonize in other vital areas of your relationship, especially romantic compatibility.
Think back. Have you ever danced with someone who seemed to be dancing alone? Did they move in a manner and speed that was way out of rhythm with yours? Have you ever danced with someone who forcibly led with his or her own style without regard to whether you were following or enjoying it? Have you ever noticed how this same person tried to control everything off the dance floor as well? It’s very uncomfortable to be in these situations and not enjoyable as it should be.
In contrast, when you find someone who harmonizes with your dancing style, the activity can be both fun and erotic! You will also find that you get along, almost mysteriously well, off the dance floor as well. If you can’t fully appreciate the amorous and romantic aspects of dancing, get the movie Dirty Dancing.
You can see that the way a person dances is an expression of their inner self. (Tip) Therefore, it is crucial to zero in on this aspect of your interactions with the person you’re dating. Don’t settle for less, either. Dancing with the right one can be absolutely magical. And your dancing skills really have little to do with it. Now let’s return to our main topic.
Evaluate Your Aim
After the third date, it’s time to consider if you should continue dating this person or not. (Tip) Start by reviewing your criteria for an ideal partner or friend and comparing it to the person you’ve been seeing. If you have not yet created a list of criteria for your perfect partner, read this article: How to Find Love with a Person Who’s Right for You.
Do not rationalize. Think carefully about your evaluation, then decide whether to continue or move on. And stick to it! Incidentally, this choice becomes a lot easier if you’re dating more than one person at the same time, which is highly recommended.
Reality before Sex
If you’ve decided to proceed, and you feel sex is a possibility, it’s time to revisit reality and discuss contraception and protection from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). This would be appropriate for couples of any age. (Tip) You may feel uncomfortable discussing these topics with your partner/friend, but it’s your life, and these issues must be resolved. One bad choice in this area can instantly ruin your life forever!
(Tip) I would strongly suggest that, no matter how truthful, safe, and healthy your partner/friend seems, you make certain that an adequate birth control method is being used, and that you both get tested for STDs (aka STIs, sexually transmitted infections) before your first sexual encounter. If you don’t have medical insurance to cover these expenses, most local health departments offer birth control counseling and STD testing for free or at a nominal fee.
Fourth through Sixth Date
If you’re ready to move on to dates four (4) through six (6), it’s time to start planning some adventures. (Ideas) Gentlemen, get creative and do some research to find some unique restaurants and activities, such as dinner cruises, plays, concerts, or special events. Concentrate on the activities that would take you outside of the area where your date lives or works. Your objective is to create unique, memorable, and adventurous experiences together.
After the sixth date, it’s time (once again) to consider whether you want to continue dating this person. (Tip) Again, review your criteria for an ideal partner or friend. At this point, it may be more difficult to break away or think clearly, especially if you’ve been intimate and your weekends are no longer lonely but filled with the excitement of dating. Think carefully about your evaluation, then follow your gut instincts on whether to continue or end it. Keep in mind that it’s a lot easier to end a relationship in the early stages than later. In fact, over time, it becomes progressively more difficult. So give it serious consideration, and don’t let a temporary good time postpone your discovery of the right one. If you decide to continue, though, do so with gusto!
Seventh through Ninth Date
If you decide to move on to dates seven (7) through nine (9), it’s time for some trips, some introductions into your personal world, and some romantic activities. Ladies, at this point, it would be appropriate to start planning activities where you cover some or all of the expenses. Even if it’s just a home-cooked meal, most men will love it! (Tip) Gentlemen, some brainstorming and research may be required here. Also, planning an activity together may be appropriate, allowing you to see how you work together and potentially result in a truly memorable experience.
(Ideas) Trips might include an entire day (or evening) at an amusement park, cultural center, specialty show, zoo, or museum. For those who are more sports-oriented, a day of snow or water skiing, sailing, golf, or tennis may be more appealing. (Tip) Exposure to each other’s personal worlds is necessary so that you can thoroughly assess the integrity of your match. This means you need to introduce your partner/friend to a few people and activities that are important to you. Then you will need to do the same with your partner/friend and gain exposure to key people and activities in their life. (Tip) You will then be able to determine whether your two (2) lives will blend together successfully. (Ideas) Romantic activities can range from a walk on the beach, a picnic in the country, or a candlelit dinner at home to more intimate options, such as a weekend at a resort.
After the ninth (9th) date, it’s time (once again) to evaluate whether you want to continue the relationship. (Tip) Again, review your criteria for an ideal partner or friend.
At this point, ending it can be painful. But if it’s not working by now, I can assure you, it probably never will. So if your evaluations on this person are coming out poorly and they have few, if any, of the qualities you “must have” or “cannot have” in a relationship, then you need to face facts. (Tip) Don’t rationalize. Don’t sell yourself short. And don’t waste any more time. Think carefully about the conclusions you came to in your evaluation. Make a decision, and don’t look back!
If, on the other hand, you decide that the person you are dating matches your criteria for an ideal partner or friend, and you feel that the chemistry is right, then continue on without fear, without hesitation, and without measure of what you expect to receive in return.
Smart Dating & Mating
This article is based on parts of my book, Finding the One Who’s Right. It covers the complete range of dating expertise and includes tools to identify, find, and build a relationship with your ideal partner. More details.